The Psychological Roadblocks That Make Dating Difficult

Of the dozens of columns I've written, this was one of the top five most loved by my clients.

The Psychological Roadblocks That Make Dating Difficult

People often blame themselves for their romantic failures, believing they are a result of their own free will. However, in many cases, environmental factors can unavoidably make us "romantically challenged." Simply becoming self-aware of these issues can lead to a degree of improvement. I hope this column can be of some help to you.

A quick note before we begin: The issues discussed below are explained solely from the perspective of being successful at dating. This is not necessarily a guide to living an ideal life or what constitutes "correct" behavior.

If you don't feel the need to improve your dating life or have no interest in marriage, feel free to skip this.

• Contents -
• Low Self-Esteem
• A Childhood Devoid of Love
• Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies
• Low Social Intelligence
• Trauma from Past Wounds
• Stunted Growth from Excessive Self-Justification
• Behaviors That Contradict Your Gender

Low Self-Esteem

When your self-esteem is low, you constantly lack self-confidence. This can cause you to become unnecessarily prideful in your relationships as a defense mechanism, which in turn pushes people away.

(Note: Not everyone will display these exact symptoms. These are general tendencies, so try not to jump to conclusions.)

For example:

• You constantly assume people will hurt you. You find yourself cutting off friendships more often than you make new ones.
• You're suspicious when someone shows interest in you. You might think, "Why would someone so great be interested in me?" or "They're just going to hurt me in the end."
• You act tough to hide your low self-esteem. On the surface, you might appear to be overflowing with confidence. You act as though you deserve to be loved, pretend to be popular, and behave as if you wouldn't be bothered if the other person left. Yet, you'll occasionally do confusing things, like constantly asking for reassurance about whether they truly love you.
• You interpret compliments negatively. When your partner praises you, you dismiss it as something they're just saying.
• You feel that your partner's love is never enough. Even when they shower you with affection, you feel it's lacking and become angry. You start to think their attitude has changed from the beginning of the relationship, leading to a spiral of negative thoughts.
• You feel envy and jealousy towards successful people instead of admiring them or celebrating their achievements. For example, if you see someone doing better than you, you might tear them down with thoughts like, "Well, they probably had family money," "They must have cheated their way to the top," or "Sure, they're successful, but they're not that attractive."
• You're quick to belittle anyone you perceive as slightly beneath you.
• You overreact and get angry over trivial matters. You might even suddenly go silent and cut off contact.
• You panic if an ex doesn't respond, even if you initiated the breakup. If you're the one who ended things but later reach out, you might have a meltdown or lash out if they don't pick up the phone.

Childhood Experiences

Self-esteem is largely formed during our childhood, and the ego that develops during this time often causes issues in our adult relationships.

Low self-esteem can often be traced back to:

1. The absence of parents, abuse, or a lack of love during childhood.
2. Being bullied during your school years.
3. An emotionally unstable upbringing characterized by high parental expectations and strictness.
4. Growing up in a dependent manner, using "being cute" as a tool.

These experiences can lead to the symptoms of low self-esteem described above, often manifesting as a deep-seated need for affection.

(Note: This correlation is not absolute, so let's avoid prejudice. It's entirely possible to overcome these challenges through personal effort, studying psychology, and self-awareness gained through counseling. In my practice, I often observe clients improving over time, which is the most rewarding part of my work. If counseling isn't an option, I highly recommend reading psychological theories, testimonials, and related books.)

Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies

This refers to the tendency to obsess over insignificant things. Common examples include repeatedly checking if the stove is off, counting things, or excessive cleaning and organizing. To others, it might just look like perfectionism.

In a relationship, this tendency causes you to endlessly assign meaning to your partner's minor actions. You can't sleep until you've "solved" the perceived problem.

For my clients, this often means attaching huge significance to things like a change in their partner's profile picture, a new post on social media, or a fleeting expression they made during a brief encounter. This can keep you up all night as your mind spins elaborate, fictional scenarios.

A prime example is a former client of mine whose case was quite severe. Because his emotions were so easily shaken by trivial matters, his core confidence was low, making it difficult to sustain a long-term relationship without resorting to anger or clinginess.

(On a positive note, that same client has been in a happy relationship for over three years with the person he met while he was in counseling. His obsessive tendencies have since disappeared.)

Here's a quick tangent: If someone with these obsessive tendencies is in a long-term relationship, there's a high probability that their partner is perceived as several notches below them in terms of attractiveness. If their friends see a photo of them together, they're likely to hear comments like, "You're way too good for them!" or "Why are you with them?"

Low Social Intelligence

In any social setting, you've likely encountered someone who makes you think:

"Wow, they're clueless."

"It's like they can't read other people's emotions."

"I'm clearly showing them I'm annoyed, but they just keep going."

"They probably don't have many friends."

Simply put, social intelligence is the ability to "read the room." Just like athletic ability, social intelligence is something that is largely innate (though it's also influenced by one's environment).

People with high social intelligence are generally popular. They easily gain favor with others and are less likely to be seen as unlikable. Think of popular talk show hosts or charismatic leaders who are known for their quick wit and ability to connect with anyone. They masterfully guide the mood by effortlessly reading facial expressions and sensing the atmosphere of a room.

Conversely, public figures who are frequently criticized often have low social intelligence. A classic example is anyone who gets into trouble for posting ill-conceived or offensive things on social media.

Even if a person is ethically flawed, high social intelligence allows them to package themselves effectively. They are constantly calculating how others will perceive them, so they instinctively avoid unlikable behavior. It's as if they have an internal mirror reflecting how they appear to the world.

In short, whether you're a good person or not, high social intelligence allows you to present yourself well and easily understand others' feelings, which minimizes the chances of making a negative impression. On the other hand, if your social intelligence is low, you tend to speak without considering your partner's feelings, which frequently leads to negative outcomes. Simply put, you come across as unlikable, and relationship problems are bound to follow.

If you have innately low social intelligence, it can be improved to some extent through experiences like meeting a wide variety of people and through reading.

Just by reading a column like this and taking the time to think about human psychology, you're already increasing your social intelligence, one point at a time.

(While not always the case, social skills are often learned through experience. For example, children with siblings get a head start, as they go through countless trials and errors—fighting, making up, and negotiating—which naturally sharpens their ability to read situations. Experience is key.)

Trauma from Past Wounds

This is similar to the first two points. If you've been deeply hurt in a past relationship, the fear of being hurt again can easily erode your self-esteem.

The slightest trigger that reminds you of that past trauma can cause your self-esteem to plummet. This can weaken your emotional resilience and lead you to become clingy, get angry, or even end a healthy relationship preemptively.

This trauma can be overcome by accurately identifying why you were betrayed or hurt in the first place. For instance, the pain can begin to fade when you realize that the past hurt wasn't entirely the other person's fault, but that you played a role. Alternatively, the pain can subside when you fully accept that the other person had their own deep-seated issues that caused them to act that way.

For example, let's say a partner's sudden breakup left you with a deep wound. If you later discover that they acted based on a huge misunderstanding, or that you had a significant issue you were unaware of, this new understanding of cause and effect can help the wound heal.

In most cases, relationship problems stem from either a misunderstanding or our own actions. The trauma will never disappear if you only ever blame the other person.

(I'll keep this section brief, as it could become a whole article in itself.)

Stunted Growth from Excessive Self-Justification

When a relationship ends, some people reflect on their mistakes and think about what they can do better next time.

Others simply move on, thinking, "They were just a terrible person," "All men/women are just after one thing," or "I guess it was just bad luck."

You will face many romantic challenges in life. If you constantly avoid your own pain by defaulting to the conclusion that "it was the other person's fault," you will never experience any personal growth.

A person who doesn't grow will continue to have relationships with the maturity of a teenager, even when they're in their 30s.

To avoid this, you must adopt a learning mindset. Ask yourself: "What was my mistake here?" "I need to get better at judging character." "Let's work on fixing this particular habit." This way of thinking will lead to immense emotional maturity.

Behaviors That Contradict Your Gender

Due to hormonal or environmental factors, some people behave in ways that are typically associated with the opposite gender. A man might act in a very feminine way, or a woman might act in a very masculine way.

This is not an issue if you are considering a gender transition, are gay, or plan to live a single life. However, if your goal is to have a successful relationship with a member of the opposite sex, failing to address this can become a problem.

The real issue is when you stubbornly justify this behavior by saying, "My friends told me this is my charm," and continue on your own way. That is a misguided rationalization and, frankly, a form of laziness.

Generally speaking, the protagonists you see in movies and on TV exhibit behaviors that are considered broadly attractive by the public. If you want to get a sense of which behaviors are typically aligned with your gender, it can be helpful to observe and learn from them.

Thank you for your time.

We have explored some of the psychological causes and issues that can make dating difficult. I hope you'll take this opportunity to reflect on and analyze yourself.

P.S. I want to emphasize one last time that these points are explained solely from the perspective of being successful at dating. This is not a commentary on what constitutes an ideal life. If a romantic relationship or marriage is not something you need, then you should pursue happiness by living the life you envision for yourself.